February 28, 2007

Stairway to Amazon (Or, the Battle of Lawrance and Harriet) - Singalong With Brockeim

Stairway to Amazon
Or, the Battle of Lawrance and Harriet
(severe apologies to Page-Plant)

There's a lady who writes that all romances are gold
And she gives them all five stars at Amazon
But Bernabo's there, and he just doesn't care
Because he writes far more than his fair share

Woe oh oh oh oh oh
And she gives them all five stars at Amazon

There's a book on the wall but he wants to be sure
'Cause he knows sometimes reviews have no meaning
So he reviews all those books--this teacher who thinks
That sometimes all of our thoughts are deceiving

Woe oh oh oh oh oh
And she gives them all five stars at Amazon

There's a feeling I get when I read what Lawrance said
And my spirit is crying for not voting
In my thoughts I have seen rings of smoke on my screen
Created from Doc Bernabo's fast reading.

Woe oh oh oh oh oh
And she gives them all five stars at Amazon

And it's whispered that soon, he'll take the room
Left by the top romance reviewer
And a new day will dawn for those posting long--
Delphi boards will echo with laughter

And it makes me wonder

If there's a library in his basement
I want to see now
How he cleans his office each semester

Yes there are two paths he can review by
but in the long run
He'll stick this time with the road he's on

My head is spinning and it won't go because I don't know
How I could review enough to join him
Dear lady can't you hear the wind blow and did you know
Bernabo's coming on the whispering wind

And as we wind on down online
He reviews all the time.
There walks that lady we all know
Who shines quick praise and wants to show
How everything still turns to gold
And if you read not so slow
The reviews will come to you at last
When you're ranked one and one is all
To be a first or not at all

Woe oh oh oh oh oh
And she gives them all five stars at Amazon

There's a lady who's sure all that's published is gold
And she gives them all five stars at Amazon
And when she gets there she knows when the book's finally closed
With three paragraphs she can get what she came for

And she gives them all five stars at Amazon, uh uh uh.

Stairway to Heaven parody
Great rock songs are meant not just to be played, but to be played with. This holds true especially for one of rock's greatest, most talked about songs, "Stairway to Heaven." The song has solid blues roots, rich lyrics, and a tone to it which layers from lyric to note.

There are the explicators who extract whatever Page and Plant might've meant. There are the ones looking for spiritual meaning, and those who feel offended by what it might mean. There are the 15 year old kids learning guitar who play a few lines of the melody, and the singers who think this is a good place to start their careers.

I'm none of those. I just enjoy the song, and the occasional parody. Two reviewers are noted in here, completely tongue-and-cheek. One reviews many products positively (especially romances), and the other casts a wide net reviewing everything from posters to history books. They are ranked 1-2 as of today, and, if this guide lasts a while, may no longer be ranked. We might need to wait 100 years, but it can happen.

One reviewer, Lawrance Bernabo (Amazon.com: Profile for Lawrance M. Bernabo), is a fan of cover songs of "Stairway to Heaven," and mentioned this on the Amazon Reviewer Discussion Board. He pointed out the compilation of "Stairway" covers Stairways to Heaven. See his review. That helped me pick this song.

The other reviewer is Harriet Klausner (Amazon.com: Profile for Harriet Klausner), who, at this posting, is the top ranked reviewer)

I hope you enjoy my take on Led Zeppelin's classic song. Forrester Magazine liked my work in their second issue in a story about Amazon ("The Amazonians") and even blew off my e-mail -- publishing a stanza without attribution, choosing not to give me credit. Not very nice of them, even though they claim copyright is important to them. The magazine failed, sorry to say.


Halos & Horns Dolly Parton sings "Stairway to Heaven" on the last track.
Stairway to Heaven: Led Zeppelin Uncensored
Led Zeppelin - Stairway to Heaven, Wall Poster, 23.5x35.5
Stairway to Heaven
Stairway To Heaven
Tribute To Led Zeppelin: Stairway To Heaven
Led Zeppelin IV (aka ZOSO)
The Song Remains The Same: Soundtrack From The Led Zeppelin Film
5,000,000 Stolen Moments
Definitive Rolf Harris
Deja Voodoo
Experiment in Terror
The Best Band You Never Heard in Your Life
The Cruz Trio + 1 In Concert
Those Rock Ballads
Happy Together
Kashmir: The Symphonic Led Zeppelin
Dark Song
Symphonic Rock: British Invasion, Vol. 1
Stairway to Rock (Not Just) A Led Zeppelin Tribute
Division One
Vol. 2-Masters of Chant
The Cruz Trio + 1 In Concert
Sympathy For The Devil
Going To California: A Classical Guitarist's Tribute To Led Zeppelin
Mr. Rock Guitar
String Quartet Tribute to Led Zeppelin
A Tribute to Led Zeppelin IV

1 comment:

Brockeim said...

As you will notice at the end of my post, I was a a bit upset at Forrester.

However, good news reigns. I had a lovely chat today with Brian Kardon, a C-level marketing and strategy guy who had overseen the magazine. The magazine no longer exists, but he apologized just the same. It was not his fault other than it came under his watch. All is forgiven.

More than that, we discussed a few matters of intellectual property, copyrights and so forth.

There's really little they can do, and, in the end, no one was hurt. In fact, it was an honor to be noticed by such an esteemed organization.