November 27, 2018

Brockeim Reviews is moving

Brockeim Reviews is moving. It will fall under Brockeim.com in the blog area.

Everything is new and becoming newer. Brockeim.com is relaunched. "There are millions of reviewers on Amazon.com. None write like Brockeim." I'm opening this voice to companies looking to be different.

"Brockeim has an amazing worldview. He sees something beautiful in everyday items. Sometimes sad, but more often sweet, he reviews household items with a fond smile. Thousands of customers at online retailer Amazon.com have enjoyed his tales involving coffee pots, corncob holders and butter keepers. Quoted globally from technology writer David Pogue to Forrester Research, to blogs across the Internet, readers are amused at his reviews and book related parodies." 

June 20, 2015

Finds Storied Romance and Forgets Coffee Spills: Red Metal Chair review


Watch me tell the story of the red metal chair. Not a sexy story, but completely romantic. Maybe the strangest video you will watch this hour.

Left like a teardrop at the bottom of my empty cup was the last reminder of a morning to remember. It is noon now, and I am just up from where I sat since dawn, where I sipped coffee and read.

A good chair forgets itself, and the one sitting forgets the chair. And so I did. Thumbing through old magazines, reading yesteryear's news, hours passed. Music, romance and poetry all passed before me this morning in the chair. As I read, Michael Jackson's "Don't Stop 'til You Get Enough" played everywhere. Audrey Hepburn's second husband died. A book about Pablo Neruda, "Ardiente Paciencia," was published.

The chair survived honorably a coffee spill, wiping clean with a towel. Unstained yet willing to take on harsh weather, the chair has served me through many more sunrises, and will be here for ten thousand more.

As I finished my drink, the sun lifted, and the breeze of morning became the hot wind of summer. Uncomfortable for reading, I pushed the chair against the wall, ready for tomorrow.

May your lawn chairs, like this Red Retro Metal Lawn Chair, meet you daily to greet the day, and to wander with you through many a volume of forgotten lore.

--Brockeim



Buy Now

February 27, 2015

15 oz. ''El Grande'' Stoneware Sublimation Mug Review

15 oz. ''El Grande'' Stoneware Sublimation Mug

A single daisy rests in this mug. The white, soft shape, covered in a rich whitish glaze allows the subtle grace of the yellow daisy to enjoy center-focus. A splash of water, halfway from the bottom, will give the flower a few days of life, and for me, a few days of remembering why I placed the daisy.

This mug? Large enough to hold any necessary drink. Small enough to require refills. Thick enough to retain needed heat. Light enough to never burden anyone who sips.

May your cup always have a daisy, and if not, be flowing with coffee, hot and true.

--Brockeim

August 11, 2014

Mead Composition Book: Review: A Tale of Romance and Woe, Dreams and Castles

Mead Composition Book, Wide Ruled, 9.75 x 7.50 Inch Sheet Size, Black Marble, Bookbound, 100 Sheets (09910)

Thin ruled composition books have their place. Accountants, college students and people drawing up plans to rearrange their furniture all might find them as useful as they are efficient.

Mead is a great brand, known for notebooks. This traditionally-styled black book will look perfect wherever you carry it.

On an early August morning, however, sitting in a cafe on the west side of a northbound street, I sat with my ordinary wide ruled book with nothing to say. It happens, it's said, to everyone along the way, that the words just aren't there.

Staring blindly out the window, she rushed in and looked at me wantonly. (I'm sorry, but I've forgotten her name.) I could tell you about her beauty and her smile, but she wasn't interested. She saw me, with my empty composition book, and my unused pen.

"I'm sorry. This is awkward. Can I use some paper? Borrow your pen? I just remembered something important."

I nodded. She sat down, took my pen and paper, and looked at me blankly. Here, I would tell you about the color of her eyes, and I could, but she quickly looked at the paper and wrote. She never saw me. Just my paper.

She wrote an address, a sketched map, and slowly drew a castle with a turret. She used the entire page, carefully tracing the lines printed by the publisher to keep her building straight.

"There!" she declared to me, though I think she met anyone who was sitting in front of her.

"That's the dream I have always had. I saw where it should be. A bungalow is there now. Thanks." Before I finished my espresso, she was gone with the page torn.

I still have the notebook, with the first page missing. It has since been littered with random journal notes, some of which are my own sketches of her. Buy your own, fill it with it your dreams and memories, and have it ready when a beautiful woman asks to borrow a sheet.

--Brockeim

March 13, 2013

Grape Nuts Can Help You Move Your Car On Ice


Park all night outside and now your parking spot is slick? Break out a box of Grape Nuts, pour some right behind each tire, pressing close to the tire itself. Then drive happily away to a bacon and eggs place.

Stale Grape Nuts will work as well as fresh Grape Nuts. Most people eating them wouldn't know the difference either.

You weren't going to eat the Grape Nuts anyway.
Buy Post Grape-Nuts Cereal, 24-Ounce Boxes (Pack of 4) from Amazon.

January 01, 2012

AT-A-GLANCE Recycled Desk Pad review "2011 Held Up to Love, Wine and Coffee"

AT-A-GLANCE Recycled Desk Pad, 22 x 17 Inches, White, 2012 (SK24-00)

This is the 2012 calendar. The 2011 version looked much like it.

I cannot review 2012. Not yet. Today is the first day of year, and how can I say how a calendar will hold up 366 days of the year? We have, of course, the bonus Leap Year day thrown in, but, for this calendar, as a monthly, no extra product will exist.

Last year's calendar, though, I have expert knowledge. I was there all 365 days. From the time midnight hit January 1, 2011, until just a few hours ago at 11:59:59 p.m. December 31, 2011, I experienced all of it firsthand. This calendar recorded all of it. Most of it, anyway. The paper, recycled, is durable enough to withstand ink, coffee cups, and the pressure of books waiting to be read.

As a larger desk pad calendar, there is room enough to remember dental appointments and the other mundanities of life. So often, calendar makers do not see beyond Monday-Friday, giving those five days more than their fair share of paper. Not this publisher. They understand Saturday and Sunday are not days we do not exist, but exist as fully as any other.

Saturday needs room, not merely a number. So much life starts on Saturday. "6 am -- Meet -- at The Jupiter Cafe." Then, "Pick up dry cleaning before 10." The rest of the morning and early afternoon is given over to reading, as always, so scheduling it is not important. But at 3:00 p.m., there is transition. Early dinners with beautiful women whose charm lasts long after the moon has traveled over the Earth are noted, with an arrow to a day or two earlier: "Buy wine at --'s Winery and Fine Luxuries." Sundays might find, "Worship at -- Church at 10," and "Visit the gallery at 2. Pick up -- at 1:30 p.m." Thus calendar can, and has, handled all of this.

There is room in each entry for all of the day's events. In the case in which your life has more than a pleasant evening dining scheduled, perhaps this is not for you. There is software to accommodate the more complicated life. But, for the simpler lifestyle, one built around enjoying the people around you, this is a perfect addition to the home desk.

May your days be full with love, wine, and coffee, and people who prefer all.

--Brockeim

Buy a AT-A-GLANCE Recycled Desk Pad, 22 x 17 Inches, White, 2012 (SK24-00).

December 15, 2011

Tweezerman Facial Hair Scissors review: For Facial Hair and Unwanted Shirt Threads

Tweezerman Facial Hair Scissors

These sleek, silver, scissors sliced through threads seen only with the finest eyes. True, most days the scissors removed hair from ears and elsewhere, but no more superb thread cutter was found than this.

The Scene: A dim cafe in the Midwest. Third table, by the window, farthest from the door.
The Future: Nancy would walk in the door, with a smile, bringing in sunlight to my life.
The Past: A new shirt purchased just for the occasion.
The Problem: A nagging, unbearable, itchy thread along my left side, just below my arm.
The Tension: Nancy's arrival would be in five minutes. By this time, she had parked her car in the garage and was coming down Charles Street, just around the corner.

The solution was found next door, at a pharmacy. A credit card swipe sped up the transaction. A step into the restroom to discretely cut the offending threads (there were three), and I was done. As I sat down, she stepped in, as lovely as my memory of her.

May your scissors cut all hair, threads and whatever else is needed on time.

Buy a Tweezerman Facial Hair Scissors.

December 09, 2011

Schott Zwiesel Tritan Crystal Barware Paris Collection Longdrink 9.3 Ounce, Set of 6 review - Simple, Elegant, Functional Tumbler

Schott Zwiesel Tritan Crystal Barware Paris Collection Longdrink 9.3 Ounce, Set of 6

This simple cup recognizes no elaborate design. It makes no statement, and is not purchased to say, "Look at me." It exists to be used until no more, and then, to be replaced by its kin. No logos or etchings adorn it. Yet, for all of this, it is attractive.

This tumbler may hold no more than water, some ice, and the occasional lemonade. Expect it to always be graceful in its humility. It is solid enough to use daily, to be used to push a cold drink across the table to a friend as stops by unexpectedly, or to greet a neighbor as he gardens next door.

Clean it in your dishwasher, or in the sink. This cup does not care. Spots will be minimal and invisible.

May your drinks always be refilled, and your neighbors visits frequent.

Order up a set of Schott Zwiesel Tritan Crystal Barware Paris Collection Longdrink 9.3 Ounce, Set of 6.

December 05, 2011

Cuisinart DCC-RWF1 Replacement Coffeemaker Water Filters Review - Good Coffee Starts with Good Water

Cuisinart DCC-RWF1 Replacement Coffeemaker Water Filters, Set of 2 by Cuisinart

Good coffee starts with good water and good beans. While having good beans is not always easy, having good water is.

These filters are simple to replace, durable, and, most importantly, they serve the function intended. Water is cleaner for having passed through it. This means your coffee tastes more like coffee and less like chemicals.

I double filter any water I make coffee with. First, it goes through a pitcher-style filter that I use for all water. Next, it filters through the Cuisinart Charcoal Filters.

If you have never replaced your filters, please do so. And go buy some good beans. You will notice the difference in every cup.

Order up a copy of Cuisinart DCC-RWF1 Replacement Coffeemaker Water Filters, Set of 2 by Cuisinart.

November 30, 2011

Guinness World Records - Dreams and Laughter Are Found Are Found Here (review)

Guinness World Records 2012

Dreams and laughter are built with the "Guinness World Records." I know. I grew up dreaming to be included, to have accomplished some astonishing stunt or to have achieved an incredible level of physical prowess. And I laughed at the ridiculous obsessions of some of those who made it.

I'm not in it. I tried a few times with some community events in which the most people to do certain things all at once. Inevitably, we would have far too few participants to impress the editors at "Guinness World Records." It was wonderful to try.

Now, the internet satisfies a lot of my curiosities about the bizarre things people do, but the value of this book remains: to serendipitously discover the amazing people in this world. Real people do these things, and are verified by the book's staff.

Every dentist office, auto fix-it shop, and home coffee table needs a copy of this. Readers won't mind waiting quite as much.

Order up a copy of Guinness World Records 2012.